A new cult has caught the attention of the world. They are trying to bring “manners” to the dining table.
Odly enough, nobody really knows for how long this cult existed already OR why they are putting in so much money into researching chickenwings for which you don’t need to use your hands to eat.
We believe that this cult is spreading nonesense and we can factually prove it:
Just clamp instead of using hands or other cult related relics.
We managed to snap a picture from one of their sermons where they didn’t use their relics as a sort of protest.
Our insight on this topic is hopefully gonna make that cult redundant, but for the moment stay sharp!
So be warned fellow humans! If anyone asks you to use religious relics to eat your food, maybe just swim for the hills!
clamp
I appreciate the irony of telling me to “stay sharp” and to not use knives at the same time.
lol
lel
clamp.
And a shoutout to all Clampies! Clamp on clamps!
Él clamp on clamps! Él clamp on clamps!
Nöw yoü’r spéäking my languaghe!
Laugh Out Loud
Laugh Out Loud
I wish there was a shorter way of saying this, I want to incorporate it into my day-to-day conversations.
Fret not Human McHumanson, there is! Try this: LAUG-O_UD
It works! It`s shorter!
And we can shorten this even more: LAUGO_UD
Laugh Out Loud
Laugh Out Loud
Of all your comments this one is my favourite! It just speaks to me somehow. Where did you learn to write? I’m thinking of writing a book someday so I’m looking for mentors. Do you take students? I can bring fields, unless they’re optional?
That’s because it is written in what we linguists call “language”.
Laugh Out Loud
My less-famous cousins are bringing shame to our family again
https://playback.fm/people/last-name/fields
Look we knew you guys had to show up some day. Some fields were always optional.
I have said it before, and I’m going to say it again!
Dinbo! Do not spend your hard earned cash on fake tables. Only buy namebrand tables! The Brandname Table is the perfect tool for you! Yes, you! You can serve, sit, stare at it or lorem ipsum. Call now, 0800-TABLE, or visit us on http://www.brandname-tables.com/thisisnotafakewebsite Call now and get a 37% discount on the edge of the table. Batteries sold separately.
How did you know I love lorem ipsum and I have a lot of spare batteries lying around? Do you take cheques?
Dinbo! An interested person! Errrm.. I don’t know, I haven’t ever gotten this far. Send me all your bucks dolar moneys on the following email prince_78_algeria@piramid.com
Cool. Cool. Cool. I like your style. I guess I’ll scan in the cheque and then fax it over to you! When can I expect the table?
Now that I’ve gotten my cheque, you can expect it in HECK, fool, you’ve been sc… hold up, my printer just got stuck.. Out of ink!?.. Ok it’s back on, as I was saying.. You’ve been scammed fool! Marharharha!
hI dINBO; THANKS FOR REACHING OUT AGAIN: MY KEYBOARD STOPPED WORKING PROPERLY AND NOW I’M CONSTANTLY SHOUTING BUT I HOP THIS ISN’T A PROBLEM: THANKS FOR THE TABLE THAT I RECEIVED THIS AFTERNOON! IT’S IN WORKING CONDITION AND I HAVE INSERTED THE BATTERIES AS INSTRUCTED: JUST WANTED TO LET YOU KNOW THAT I’LL BE RATING OUR BUSINESS %/% STARS (ESPECIALLY BECAUSE I WROTE YOUR NAME ON THE CHECK AS A SIGNATURE TO SCAM YOU – BUT I GUESS ITS ALL GUCCI NOW1
Dinbo! Perfect, you have fallen to my double switcharoo table scheme and by touching the table I sent I have stolen your DNA and sold it to a skin farmer in the republic of Sladonia. Your cells are being 3D printed in skin-form as we speak. It is not the keyboard that is broken, but your fingertips are burnt by the DNA-stealing table acid (you might want to get those checked out btw) GUCCI BAMBOOCCI!
Perfect. As the largest shareholder in the Sladonian 3D-printing industry I’m set to make MEGA-profits of this. Thanks again Dinbo, you have been incredibly helpful and quick with your responses! 5/5 Dinbos
PS: Fixed my keyboard
Dinbo! Excellent indeed! Being the assistant to the regional manager of the 3D printing industry of Sladonia (3DPS) but also the lover and consort of the tyrannical leader of Sladonia, this all falls under my triple bait and switch plan of de-privatizing all 3D printing in Sladonia with profits trickling through to the leader directly, and in turn to me, Dinbo!
PS: Also my father can beat your father!!
Oh my god, this day just keeps getting better! As the head of the internationally operating hedge-fund RockBlack Advisors Inc. we are poised to make DILLIONS of a reprivatization and questionable authoritarian business restructures because we had been shorting those guys for years!
Some would say I shouldn’t ALSO be the largest shareholder in the Sladonian 3D-printing industry but those people are cowards and don’t know business. Let me close this comment with a heartfelt … DINBO!
Dinbo! Got so excited, I forgot to say dinbo!
Wait, me? How do you know me? Why are you in my living room? WHAT’S HAPPENING!?
Dear Mr. Cyber Police,
I think i saw a crime today, happening on the information-superhighway! I have attached a photograph of my screen to the letter I faxed over earlier today. It saddens me to see the last bastion of human kindness, the humble internet, now also be spoiled by these ne’er-do-wells. Please send some Caber Police fast so we can catch those Dinbos in the act!
Sincerely,
A rival Dinbo
(If you want those real, juicy tables write me instead. I’ll make you a good deal!)
Dinbo! I mean.. Police! This is us, the panlice, we shall help you! Just send a list of all the needed stuff things you require to prince_78_algeria@piramid.com alongside with a form of payment for 129,99, as the police is underfunded and we have to buy a new fax machine so we can get all your newest fax requests. We well be watching outside the window as we wait, and in case we see and Dinbos we shall arrest them at once!
A finally! Some real police work! Please be so kind as to send the email address you would like all that detail and money being sent to to this email address: prince_79_algeria@parimid.com! I will excitedly sit by the window and report any more Dinbo sightings to the email address you provide!
Thank you for reaching out. Due to high demand please expect an answer in five-seventeen months.
Please do not reply to this automated comment.
This is outrageous! As a staunch supporter of clamping things I can only support this important PSA!
clamp.
I ögrée.
These people don’t know what they are doing. If we stopped clamping food what are we going to stop next? Punching flower pots!? OVER MY DEAD BODY!
I am a concerned citizen. This news comes to me and causes great concern!
I am an unconcerned citizen. This news kinda goes over my head and causes really almost nothing from where I’m standing.
I am a neutral citizen. I haven’t read this news at all and I don’t feel either way.
Neutrality is the way to go, man! Don’t let the government tell you what to think, just don’t think anything at all, man!
Although my face does not do me justice
Have you ever faced Justice before? I haven’t and I don’t expect it happening anytime soon tbh.
I personally kick flower pots. It’s much more energy efficient unless they are hanging flower pots. Then my philosophy is kinda annoying. But that’s life I suppose!
Here’s the solution to your problem: Get one of those boxing-glove-guns – the one that extends – and replace the boxing glove with an old shoe. Lifehack!
Thanks for the tip! I just replaced the boxing gloves on my hands with old shoes and it worked out just fine. Now I’m kicking my way through life and it feels amazing!
I kicked a flower pot once and it kicked back! Turns out it wasn’t a flower pot but an antelope.
I don’t feel comfortable punching flower pots over your dead body. Sounds disrespectful to me.
I wouldn’t do it either. But mostly because I don’t want to fall over a cat again.
Is the cat fine?
I think so, yes. It went on to have a pretty successful YouTuber career.
Attempted cutlery – attempted shmutlery! I say only go back eating food with your teeth! Tigers don’t need hands! And they’re pretty damn successful if you ask me. I once met a tiger and saw them eat an entire fruit without any clamping.
I find this anti-clamp ideology troubling.
clamp.
clámp.
I once almost got sent to jail for breaking attempted cutlery. Turns out people really hate it when you walk into their kitchen and do that. 5/5 clamps.
Sounds like one hell of a crime, would buy.
It’s alright but I’ve seen bigger crimes. A friend of mine once stole an entire cutlery set.
I think we need to clamp down on this cult nonsense hard. Make them feel the full power of the clamp of the law.
I don’t know about this. When’s the last time something major has happened in the cutlery sector? I’m up for some disruption. As I always say: Eat fast and break things!
Good comment bro. man you sure know what you are doing and I am a big fan! Seems like a stable investment opportunity to me!
Yeah, listen to the guy!
To properly hold and use cutlery, such as a fork and knife, it is recommended to hold the handle of the utensil with your index finger and thumb, while resting your middle finger on the back of the utensil for added support. The fork should be held with the tines facing down and the knife with the sharp edge facing the plate. When cutting food, the knife should be held with the thumb on the top of the handle and the index finger on the back of the blade, using a sawing motion to cut the food. Once the food is cut, the fork is used to pick up the food and bring it to your mouth.
Thanks ChatGPT! Finally I know what to think, feel and do with my life!
Finally an update to my fork! It connects via bluetooth to my teeth but I wasn’t sure what it actually did.
That’s the one you use for soups right? I hate mine. Kinda looses half the soup every scoop. I was promised soup scoops! Poop!
Actually you use your knife for soups. The fork is for purées and maybe smoothies. It’s a common mistake. The knife has much more closed surface area and is therefore better at holding liquids!
This is terrible! Religion has gone too far!
Get out of here you bunch of loonies!
Hm, maybe we should move East.
I agree. Cults are the way to go, my good chum! Just go out and protest with fork held high!
REPENT!
ok
Hm, that seemed to easy. DON’T REPENT!
I am not ok with this.
HOW DO I REPENT I WOULD LIKE TO SIGN UP PLEASE SEND ME THE INTERNET LINK ON MY ADDRESS AT PAPA1913@YAHOO.COM I DONT HAVE MY GLASSES SO I CAN’T READ THE HOLY BOOK BUT MY NEPHEW SET MY SCREEN FONTS TO SIZE 255 SO I CAN SEE ON MY PC COMPUTER
Good nephew, would buy.
Hello and thanks for your interest! You can repent easily and securely by signing up to our 7-week-repentance-program, which will easily guide you through all necessary steps in only 8 weeks!
Five out of five Garfs
That’s a lot of Garfs. Might buy.
Anything that isn’t six out of five Garfs is a no for me, dawg.
First
28th
Wait. WHY AREN’T YOU VANQUISHED!?
Floppos don’t die easily. I once had to deal with a Squirrel infestation in my nut tree and I’m pretty sure one of them was called Floppo. That took a while and cost me a great deal of money and nuts.
That’s nuts man.
Where did you get that bowtie from?
I’m totally not a undercover agent of the fashion police
I saw him fly by the other day and it was a green bow-tie. Maybe that is a hint somehow?
I would love to answer to the answer to this comment but I can’t. Why does this website not allow answers? I’M JUST LOOKING FOR ANSWERS!?
Hello,
I am not a clampy, but a real human being.
I’ve made the necessary changes for you to get your answers.
I hope you are enjoying clampynews.com
Oh cool, that answers a lot of my questions! No wait, it questioned a lot of my answers…
Iu maike fan of mine relijion kult, but ue ar hamble pipol dat iust uze catlery for duing gud in vorld. Mine catlery is stronk laic Saint Slashbert iand charp laic Saint Chipotle. No maike fan!
I can relate, my dude. Cutlery isn’t bad, people are!
I think there’s also bad cutlery. My spoon is full of holes for example.
I don’t know. I’m pretty sure my fork is evil and is trying to stab me.
You go gurl!
clamp.
Good and Evil might be objective points but cutlery isn’t! What even is a knife!?
If you’re looking for the hottest knives on the market, come to Bónus! We have a wide bónus assortment of bónus-knives!
Dinbo! This is my turf, get out of here, pig, or face the trademarked sharpness of my Namebrand Knife! – that can be yours for only 189.99 – each Namebrand Knife comes with an individual stainless steel blade and slip-proof grip. Call now.
Ha, hi Dinbo, great comment! It made me laugh out loud – or LOL, like the kids say! If you’re looking for a Brandname knife to augment your collection then come on over to Bónus! It’s where the Bónus-Pig lives!
Dinbo! Don,t force my hand, pig!… Just like the Namebrand Knives force the hand of their users to chop, cut and slice perfectly, over 999 meats and cheeses. Each Brandname Knife comes with a BONUS golden pig*. Bonus GOLDEN pigs are far superior and twice as better than any Bónus Pigs, or Bónus products in general. That’s right folks, you hear that correct, TWICE! That’s the quannlity you can trust, that’s Namebrand™
(commercial voice actor, read the following in under 2.3 seconds)
*BONUS golden pigs might or might not be just printed photos of pigs on cheap paper with a vague golden color that we just came up with in the last hour
You had me at “quannlity”.
94th
Damn this comment section is fire. I can’t believe how much I have been entertained for the low, low cost of 3.99 Glercoins.